I call my mom Ma, too. My kids call me Ma or Mama. It’s funny but we took in some stray cat brothers in one day and kept them. A couple months later I heard Maaa-aaaa Maaaama! But the kids were at school… The kittens had learned they could get my attention immediately by mimicking my kids and that first couple times I couldn’t tell the difference. To this day their meow sounds like 'maaaa"
Firstly I’m very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what that must feel like. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way because I doubt you’re as ‘gross’ as you think you are. (We’re our own worst enemies) But, what if you are gross? Why does it only matter to you that you think others would think so and not the other way around, as well?
Why not just embrace it for a bit and maybe encounter someone who adores your gross? What one person finds gross, another will love.
You have options.
A) You can seek out people to meet and date while thinking you’re gross and I can almost guarantee you your self esteem would be more of a turn off than anything that you may personally think is a turn off. Low confidence is a huge factor in attraction.
B) You can seek out people to meet and date while thinking you’re gross and you attract someone who preys on your low self esteem. They will encourage you to improve and the change will only be their image of improvement. It won’t be you. It won’t be authentic improvement. You’ll further lose yourself. Your validation and self worth will be wrapped up in a cycle of emotional abuse that will take just as long to recover from as your past loss did.
C) You can force yourself to embrace the idea that you’re gross anyway so why not find someone that is ok with that. Sort of a ‘come as you are’ mentality. Why change just so you can attract someone who’ll finally love what you pretend to be? Instead, rock up anywhere and just BAM, “Deal with it &$&-$&#&#'s. I’m here, love it or hate it”
Honestly, Hun. It’s just so unrealistic to think there aren’t going to be people out there that will not vibe with you no matter what you do. You could be a 10/10 celeb with all the money and there will always be someone out there that can criticize something about you. The beauty of the human condition is that we’re all so different yet we’re still all quite similar in that we all want to be accepted. It’s daunting but also exhilarating to accept that you will not please everyone, you will not be loved by everyone. You will not be everyone’s special snowflake. You are your own worst enemy if you think that’s ever possible.
D) You can go on a journey of self improvement. Why do you think you’re gross? Work small improvements into your routine that you, personally want to improve on. Tiny manageable habits at first, for example, getting a decent haircut and asking the stylist for a simple ways to maintain it and style it.
Setting a timer for 20 minutes and straightening up your living space. Every other day or three at first. Stop when the timer goes off if it burns you out or keep going if you’ve gotten in a groove. 20 minutes isn’t long so it’s not as daunting as planning a whole deep clean day that could overwhelm you. You can still get more than you expect accomplished it 20 minutes. Then over time you can increase that to 20 minutes every day or an hour every other day or so. Adjust it to your own personal ‘timer’.
However you go about that is up to you, the limitations of resources available to you and your own expectations of yourself. Those were only off the top of my head examples but I hope you understand what I’m trying to say.
Take time to identify that “why”. Why do you think you’re gross? What are the most simple baby steps you can take to improve them? Start small and work up from there when you meet your own expectations.
I will always tell you to go with © and (D) and blend to find your own happiness whether it’s with someone else or just yourself. C is a more realistic mentality to have in a world that forces unrealistic expectations on you. D will reinforce that mentality in the way that’s best and more realistic for you. Work to become the person you want to be and then shrug off your detractors and allow the rest of the world and anyone who likes you to meet you half way. When you find yourself attractive, when you are content even while you acknowledge your imperfections, you will attract people that want to be with who you are not what they want you to be.
Man sketchers are awesome. I have a pair that I’ve re-bought consistently for years because they were the perfect fit, comfy, and were nondescript. Now they’ve discontinued them so I have to see if I can order them online.
I remember when I was kid though. We always had hands-down, goodwill, and k-mart clothes. But one of my Pop’s jobs was a janitor at the “rich” school district and he’d watch the lost and found box and wait for the shit he brought in to expire.
Once it was in the bin for more than a month it got “donated”. Half of that stuff went to the kids of the people that worked there. My brothers and I being some of them. So Pops scored me a pair of Air Nike when Jordan was at the height of his career.
Wouldn’t you know it? One dude on the play ground had to ask why I was wearing a Walmart T-shirt while wearing Nike shoes. Seriously, kids are fucking brutal.
I learned long before that that I was “poor” so I learned how to play it off and flipped the script. “Are you that superficial that you give a shit? It never even occurred to me to look at what you’re wearing but now that I am, all you are is a wigger” (slur for a wannabe in my era/location). He left me alone the rest of our school career.
I’m in my forties now but somewhere in my thirties he hit me up on Facebook and apologized for being a little shit. Turns out he had a bit of a crush on me and that’s how he showed it amongst other reasons. He was newly divorced when he reconnected with me so I had to turn him down (that the only reason you’re apologizing, dude?) but he was much nicer about everything this time.
Kids can be nasty but many of them grow up. Anytime you can stand up to adults in front of your kids it’s teaching them how to stand up to their own peers. Show them every example you can of how to handle what they’re dealing with. How you stand up to your family, friends, and peers, is how your kids learn how to do the same thing.
You can’t buy yourself out of bullying. Even rich kids get bullied. Confidence in yourself and empathy for others are a far better lesson to teach the next generation.